Id run my fingers through your hair, youd run yours along my neck. The tiniest moments were the most intimate, just lying in those red sheets with fingers grazing. Up my leg, down your arm, through our blonde locks. Rolling around, laying on top one another with eager tickling hands. We were in nothing but underwear, with nothing but the sound of our laughter and heavy breathing.

You know how I know it was real? I felt more with you in one summer, then I felt with him in a year and a half. You and I were nothing like him and I, we didnt say we were in love or even utter a single I love you. But I know what was there, and we didnt need to say it. Where ever you are, whoever youre with, I still dont need to say it. Youve changed a part of me, those nights, that place, everything with you changed a part of me.

The absense of you tears me down, but these memories of you builds me up again. But you moved on long ago, your sharing nights with a new someone now. I hear you two are happy, so I try my best to be happy for you as well. Im ready to move on, Im ready to let somebody else finish the building.

Am I dying because youre gone

or because your spell is wearing off

Either way this is to you,

saying Im not ready to live again

if its without you.

So ill watch the suitors come one by one

And Ill quietly beg theyll suit

but it will always come back to you.

In the end its you, in the end its you.

And this is the worst kind of heartbreak,

knowing I may have never really had you.

But I held you, and sometimes it all feels the same

until after youre gone.

Now I can distinguish the two.

But we know itll always come back to you.

I had the worst dream of my life last night. I was crying SO hard in my dream, and I woke up crying too. I had a dream I found out I was pregnant, and went to get an abortion. I was at the abortion clinic and only certain people in my life were helping me, but my mom wasn’t. Not because she was against it, but just because she didn’t care. But my bestfriend’s mom was there for me. I had never cried so hard in a dream, and I remember being able to feel the baby inside of me. It was a boy and I had named it, ( I can’t remember if it was Kyle or Jordan or something) and I remember saying ” I love him, but I can’t keep him”. The whole dream was me walking around the little dark clinic, falling to my knee’s and just balling my eyes out harder then I could ever imagine. The choice was made to get the abortion, but I woke up before I actually could bring myself into the doctor’s office or before I got called. Nobody else was in the waiting room, and like I said it was pretty dark. I saw a random girl from my school walking out the door, and as she was walking out I asked her if she had just gotten an abortion, but she hadn’t, her friend’s mom did. And she told me the horrific story about it, and I just kept pacing back and forth and crying and feeling what felt like a big hard rock in my stomach.

It’s been on my mind all day and I don’t know what it means. But it taught me so much, and now I know more then ever that I would never want to have to be in that situation. Sex isn’t something to be played around with, and I think if everybody had that dream that I had, nobody would be having sex until they were ready to have a child or go through that scenario.

I may not be religious, but I just wanted to get down and thank God so much for the fact that I had that dream.

I’ll admit I can’t wait until your birthday, I really can’t. It’ll give me an excuse to text you a simple, yet beated around the bush text.

Happy Birthday. It’s crazy to think that I’ve been saying that same thing to you for three birthdays now. I hope you know I’ll always be here for you, I’m just a call away if you need anything.

When really, I wish I could say the most complicated straight forward text.

Happy Birthday ____ (old nickname). It sucks not being able to stay up until midnight to say, “Happy Birthday baby, I love you so so much.” But even though so much has changed since that first Happy Birthday Baby two years ago, I hope you know I still love you and I’m still here for you if you ever need it. I hope to see you soon, just to catch up. I miss old times and I wish you could understand how sorry I am for everything that has happened this year. This past year has been hell, but I hope you make this next one great. You were my first love, and you will always hold such a huge part of my heart no matter how much of your heart I may still hold. I hope you’re doing okay, and make today a good one.

But as long as she still has you, I’ll be sending that first text. I hate myself for not having the courage to go with the second.

Winter is rolling around, and so I’m bracing myself for all the pain and old memories that are about to hit me. This is when I met you, and I can’t help but wish you were still here.

She changed you and you aren’t the same guy I knew. You aren’t that same guy that I layed in bed with all day, the one I trusted, the one I was all wrapped up in. Now you’re just this new guy that seems to resent me for something, and I just wish I knew what was going through your head.

For tonight, I’m just empty and there isn’t much to say.

It was mid December and somehow we ended up in his car, our hands were finding their way to eachother because our hearts never truly left. Or at least that’s what he was telling me, even though he left me a while earlier and wandered to someone else shortly after. He was spiralling back into my life, crying and pleading for me to come back. He had fallen apart and I knew I was the only one to put him back together. How could this be happening?

Just thirty minutes ago, I was sitting at my computer typing up my essay for class. My stomach has never dropped quicker then when my phone rang and it was your name that popped up on the screen. I was once so familiar with that name, and now I was considering pressing “decline” on what I assumed was a pocket dial. But then there I was, listening to you on the other line. “Can I come get you?” “Why?” “I need you.”

Fifteen minutes later I was walking down the street to meet you at my mailboxes, since my family in a way hated you and I felt too guilty knowing they may look out the window and see me facing the familiar love from my past. I got into your car, keeping a straight face and my eyes directed out the window.

Your palms were sweaty and shaking on the steering wheel, as I finally got the courage to ask what this was all about. We started driving towards the little shopping center near my house, and what you meant to be words came out as a trembling, dry, jumbled up mess. I saw your eyes watering, and in a sympathetic voice I told you we would just talk once we parked somewhere.

We sat in silence until we pulled into an empty parking space at the strip-type shopping center. I can’t even remember the first thing that you said, but we both immediately broke down into tears. You turned towards me and put your hand on my knee, and I jerked my legs towards the door and faced the window. I had never felt so disgusted with someone’s touch before. You quickly realized this was the wrong place to be doing this, so you turned the car back on and drove around to the very back of the mall, where there were hundreds of parking spaces but not a single one filled. You parked under a tree, and once the car turned off there was nothing but silence again.

After what felt like hours of crying and pleading and arguing, I stopped fighting it. We had never been in love with anyone but eachother, and this was all we knew. No matter how hurt I was, we both knew this was where we were supposed to be. I felt your lips on mine for the first time in months, and it was everything my heart wanted and nothing my head needed.

Everything was good for a few months after that, and then we lost hold of everything. I miss you, and I wish we could just stop being so bitter towards eachother.

Don’t you fucking dare place your hand on that low curve of my back. You possesed all the light in my life, and when you left you took it all with you. Every day after that was a constant struggle living in darkness. Now there’s a little handprint of light stained on my back, and I can feel it on me everyday.

When we both looked up and were walking towards eachother, our eyes caught contact for the two seconds that felt like two hundred. Your eyes have never looked so brown and I hate myself for noticing that. But I’m glad we made that eye contact, because it made me give up on you. I’m finally realizing that you’ve been able to look at me and look away just as fast, as if I mean nothing to you. If I ever meant that much to you, you’d feel an ounce of what I feel whenever those brown eyes point my direction.

It set in quickly that you found someone new, no denial, no asked questions. Obviously if you’re dating her she has to hold something I was lacking; and that’s enough to make me leave you be.

But you know if you ever feel lost, I’m here. Because I know when I’m lost, you’re what would make me feel home again. Those nights would make me feel home, your light would make me feel home. You were home.

This place made me hold myself back from loving the one I love, but I hadn’t realized those feelings until now. I FUCKING SAID IT. Yeah, I think I love you. And things will forever be different because of that. I hope you’re happy with her, I do. I hope you’re finding everything you didn’t find with me last summer.

I fucking hate this place and everything it’s held me back from in life. I’ll forever hate you for holding me back from him. How do you feel that your daughter held herself back from love because of something fucking stupid like embarassment? It really isn’t stupid though, it’s pathetic. You’re pathetic. He’s with someone else now, and he looks at her like he looked at me. And it’s all your fucking fault. I miss him and couldn’t want to get further away from you, mom. I love you and I always will but I’ll never forgive you for all the unnecessary shit I have to go through as a teenager.

I CANNOT believe that I can already see all the regrets I’m going to have as an adult. And I can’t stop it because they aren’t up to me. They’re up to you, and it makes me fucking sick inside to know my life is in someone else’s hands. Especially careless, hypocritical, selfish, dirty fucking hands.

He is the ONLY fucking one on my mind lately and I’m trying to stop. The first guy I used to always write about, my first love, no he is completely gone. He is out of my head. Now everything has just gone to the summer guy, because so much has happened since the last times I wrote on this blog. This summer boy, OH MY GOD. I see you and I still get excited. I still feel butterflies when you put your book in my locker, I still feel giggly and smiley after you walk away. I still get a thrill out of knowing you just looked at me. It’s like I’m starting at the beginning again. But then I saw your picture with her, the one where you didn’t know the picture was being taken and you’re kissing her on the head; and I can’t help but ache on the inside. You used to kiss me on the head just like that, and when I saw that picture it was like I could feel your lips on my forehead again. I could feel your bed beneath us and your arm around the back of my neck. I could feel all our memories in one ache.

But then I look back up at the picture, and your lips are on her. And I force myself to remember that thats how it is now, she’s your girl now and I’m just the summer. I’m the past, she’s the present, and I stop myself from wondering who will be your future. Me or her. I pull it together and tell myself it’s her. She’s your girl now, I’m just the summer.

THIS IS SO MUCH RANTING.

I hope nobody even reads this. But I’m going to post it because I don’t want it saved on my computer or written in a journal. I hit “create post” because it gives me some tiny ounce of relief that the thoughts are being let out of my head.